On Thursday 2nd November this year (2023) it is the second Dia de los Muertos since Ben was killed.
I found the experience last year to be hugely cathartic and supportive of my grieving.
This was both through the experience of having a day when I could immerse myself in behaving as though Ben were going to come round to see me;
and also through the rich, emotional and deeply felt descriptions of their ofrendas from some of Ben's loving friends (see the BenWeb post 2022-10-20).
Reading through those words, and looking at the photos last night, left me wracked with sobs that I haven't experienced since the reWake in June...
...I welcome such emotion being sparked off: it proves to me that my greatest fear - that I would come to accept Ben's death calmly; that I would become reconciled to him never coming back; that I would lose the close contact with him that I continued feel after he was murdered - the fear that I would lose Ben through time inuring me to the void his dying left me with, it proves to me that that fear is unfounded.
Ben is still with me. And that void is still there.
I have a pathetic little (but
permanent) reminder of that void: the loss of one knuckle from this little
finger on the right......this loss (suffered about a month ago) was nothing to do with Ben, but it is a physical reminder to me that I lost a part of myself, a much bigger part of myself, when Ben was killed.
At Phoenix Barn I set
up an ofrenda again, around where Ben's (and my family) shrine
is. I looked for the things from last year to start as a basis, but
only found one of the two boxes of artifacts: I think that Linda's
marzipan skull proved too much for the rats to ignore! Anyway, we
had Morelia to help prepare things (and she cut out papel picado
bunting while Jenny and Paul made marigolds - the flowers that represent
the light to guide the dead to find the ofrenda - out of pipe cleaners and
tissue paper) and help us get into the Mexican spirit for the
season. The preparation proper started after our visit to St Just
Feast on the Sunday, and I think this may become a part of the schedule
for future years. Included in the ofrenda this year was
the painting that Nata sent with Morelia.
On the day itself (Thursday 2nd November) a
small band of some of those who love Ben gathered at his grave at noon, to
offer him a pastie, Brewdog, flapjack, whisky, Cornish and Mexican music,
and, of course, Marlboro Red to share with us. Here we all are: 
