ben's interweb

The Day of the Dead (la Dia de los Muertos) - an All Hallows/All Saints festival that is very important in Mexico - is coming up around 31st October to 2nd November.  I know that Morelia (Ben's girl-friend in Mexico when he was killed) will be preparing for Ben in her Dia de los Muertos this year. 

More has been helping me to understand the Mexican festival - I feel it would be right for me to prepare for Ben in a Day of the Dead here at his home, and at the Woodland Burial Ground where his body is buried, so I asked her to help me.  These are some of the things More sent:

I should be getting ready to go to work,but the idea of a shrine for Benito made me smile a lot and it got me excited so I decided to start writing right away. Yes; the main idea of Dia de Los Muertos is to be prepared for when our dearly departed come back to earth. It takes place from October 31 and all the way up to November 2nd; on these dates, the portal from Mictlán (the Underworld in our ancient culture) opens and our loved ones are able to come back to their houses just for the night. It has some variations, yes, for example, it's said that November 1st it's the day that unborn babies or small children that passed away are able to come back, their shrines are a bit different than an adult's one; but the main idea of a Day of The Dead shrine is that you're ready for when your loved one comes to visit from the Underworld.

Other cultures are very serious on the topic of death, but what I love the most about my culture is that we're not. While other cultures center about the sadness of the dearly departed leaving us, Mexico mocks the dead, Mexico remembers them in their happy days, jokes about them and simply acts as if they are visiting. Day of the Dead is, after our Independence Day, the most important holiday here; it's all about a positive relationship with death, since we know we're all going to die someday, it is a good idea to be on Death's good side.

The ofrenda or the shrine usually has levels, some are very complicated, (7 levels!) and very traditional, but since our house is small, we have like two or three levels and it makes no difference to the Gods. We pile up different sizes of boxes and that gives us the levels we need. Feel free to use as many as you want. I'll send a picture of a drawing I'll make for you tonight. There's some things that you need for an ofrenda or a shrine, or an altar, whatever you might call it, and the special thing is that everything has a very deep meaning; here are some:

• Marigolds: Our ancestors associated these flowers with the sun and that's why they placed them in the ofrenda. Since we understand that those who are not here with us come from The Mictlan (a dark place) we do our best to light their way. It's all about light. So we put marigolds, (their real name is Cempasuchil flowers) . It has a very sad but beautiful legend behind it. Xóchitl and Huitzilin were two lovers that knew each other since they were kids, and every day they went up to hang out at Tonatiuh's (The Sun God) hill. One day, when they were young adults, a war broke out and Huitizilin had to go off to fight and died at war. Xochitl was very sad and asked The Sun God to reunite her with his lover, which he did. Tonatiuh shone down on all of the beams of the sun and she became a beautiful marigold, and then a hummingbird stepped on top of her and let 20 different sweet smells rain down on her. Some other flowers are also used; marigolds represent the light our relatives need to find the way back home, the white ones represent the sky and the purple ones are often associated with grief. You make a path of these flowers petals at the end of the altar to help them guide themselves.


• Paper: Ofrendas have "papel picado" banners; it's often the same texture as tissue paper; it's very thin. Ben told me about Christmas crackers and the paper crown they have inside; think about the same kind of material. It often has very complicated shapes cut into them, but only a few very crafty Mexicans know how to do them. We buy them at our local market and just hang them on top of our ofrenda. These papers are often in purple and yellow, but can be very colorful. It represents the union of life and death. Each color has their meaning; for Ben maybe it would be green one for "young ones", red for "warrior", orange for "aztec grief" (I think, even if we're not aztec, we're mexicans and we miss him).



• Salt: We believe in the purifying and protecting spells of salt. In the ofrenda, you place a ceramic plate with salt on it, it's believed that it helps to protect the visitors from earthly temptations. You also make a cross with salt somewhere in the altar, one might think it's because of the Christian cross but it actually represents the four cardinal points to help our visitor place himself.

• Sugar skulls: When I was a kid I wanted nothing but to eat a full sugar skull. My stomach hurt so much at my first attempt that I didn't want to try another one. Sugar skulls are often used as representations of the people they were expecting. So if you're doing a shrine for two, three people, you'll have to have three sugar skulls. Please don't take this too literal. I'm just telling you the whole thing, but our loved ones will come no matter what. The sugar skulls often have the name of the relatives expected. They can also be made of chocolate. It's just a representation of how well we get along with Death, we mock her (we think it's a woman) we play with her and we even eat her.

• Food: Benito's favorite food and drinks. Alcohol is needed. We believe that the journey back to Earth is very long and when they arrive they are very tired and would want to hang out eating and drinking their favorite meals. In Mexico, we also put typical food; maybe you can do the same with british meals. You can also place here some clothing items, some of his personal stuff, like grooming things, clothes, maybe a skateboard, a camera, things he would enjoy seeing again. Cigarettes, of course.

• Water: A jar or glass of water is also needed. Like I said, it's a journey back, and they are tired and thirsty and give them strength for the journey back.

• Incense: We use coppal. It's an indigenous stick of incense that's used in indigenous ceremonies, but any inciense will do the trick. This is used to purify the visitors and to ward off all evil spirits. Mexican culture at its finest.

• Candles: To light their way back. One for each visitor we're expecting. It's the element of fire.

• A framed photograph: Since they all travel back together, we place a picture of the deceased one as if to tell them: "Hey! It's here! Your shrine is here.Here's your picture!". It helps them locate themselves.

Making an altar is mostly heavy work, you often do it with lots of family. Women in my family start setting it up around 27 of October, and they lift it up after the 2nd of November. It has to do with many many traditions; like, on the 27 dead pets come back to earth, on the 28 you light the first candle to welcome lonely, those who don't have a family who set up an altar for them anymore, on the 29 you place a glass of water for those who died in abandonment, on the 30 you place a loaf of bread for those who died hungry or in some sort of accident, on the 31 you place fruit for the dead one's dead (great-grandfathers etc), on November 1st, the dead children come back to play, and you set up candy and toys for them, and on the 2nd everyone else arrives. The next day, on the 3rd, you burn off the inciense and pick up the stuff and while you do this you say your goodbyes, ask them to come back next year. It's intricate, I know, but the good news is that you don't have to do ALL of this. I just wanted to let you know about the tradition and how we can adapt it.

There's very big altars like these ones, beautiful, colourful, intricate, but probably expensive and with lots of hands to help. These are usually displayed in big houses, in rich people's houses, restaurants or gov's offices: the bastards just want to show off haha.


But there's also beautiful ones, small ones, personal, familiar, which is the one I am doing for Ben and my grandparents and like these:










There's people that do it in match boxes as well as a carry on altar. Kids in schools make them in shoe boxes with clay items as they learn the tradition. It's a beautiful thing.

Now about going to his resting place; it's believed that during these days your loved ones come back to pay a visit, hang out, see how you are, it's a beautiful experience to live with your family. I would like nothing more but to build his altar with you. At this time, people in Mexico visit their loved ones' graves and clean them, some altars are built on their graves, rather than at their houses, but it's honestly up to their family. It's a sign of honour to clean their graves; and while they do this, they play cheerful music, drink tequila, eat, and tell stories about the deceased one; any story counts.

Day of the dead is the anti-halloween. There's nothing scary about it. We want to see them again; we prepare for them, we're not scared of them because they're our loved ones that passed away before us. We use bright colors and flowers and so much love for the people that left us. You hang around with friends and family, you tell funny stories, play his favorite music, sing along, share food, it's lovely. It's in the most un-creepy way. While Americans spend Halloween wishing none of the creatures or monsters appear in front of them, we prepare for them to come, we invite them; we are anxious to feel their love and share with them one more night.

There's also poetry involved. People write "Calaveritas" (Little Skulls) to their deceased ones. Think about them like some sort of haiku. In these small poems, you describe a meeting of the dead and the deceased one, with a funny outcome. Everything is a party. It has to rhyme and it's sometimes followed by music. So, suegro; here are some things you might need. Tell me all your doubts and let's build this for Benito. I think the hardest thing to find would be the sugar skull but I did my research on Google and it said somewhere called Wildwood Cornwall might sell them.

(Funny. I'm writing this while my mum is praying in the living room and I just heard her pray for Ben's soul. Cute)

I know it might be a cultural shock,but I just know Ben would enjoy music at his resting place. We usually play traditional music while fixing up their resting place. It doesn't have to be loud or obnoxious; it's traditional. Mostly mariachi; there's a very beautiful song that's called "La llorona" (The Weeping Woman) and it's very popular this time of the year.


Thank you so much to Morelia for all of this beautiful description and explanation.  It all feels to me so very much how Ben would have liked to remember his own dead, and so how I would like to remember him.  (It happens also to be at exactly the same time of year as St Just Feast, as well as our Celtic Samhain - the tradition of which I will also be following.)

I will be preparing in this Mexican way for Ben to visit us at some point over the Dia de los Muertos period, from Feast Monday (31st Oct) to Wednesday 2nd November, when I will take his ofrenda to his resting place - I will take some photos and add them here dreckly; if anyone else has things they would like put up, please do send them!

¡Que haya luz! Kerenza ha yeghes da! Dad/Andrew x


[Ed: had this from Yael:]
Hi Andrew! I just read the blog of Morelia's post about the Day of the Dead and it is very beautiful! It is an accurate description of our celebrations in Mexico during these days. In my opinion, it is the celebration that I enjoy the most in Mexico. It is full of tradition, love, food, colour and music. I am going to set an altar too here in York to remember our dear Ben. Take care! Yael

[Ed: and from Penny:]
oh wow andrew, what a guiding bright light morelia is and such a loving gesture to ben to create his Dia de los Muertos over there, as are you here at the burial ground, such a beautiful way to further connect with ben's everlasting energy and legacy. he will feel the love i'm sure.
soooo good that you and morelia can help each other and celebrate ben, you are both amazing. ben is lucky to have you both.
i shall be lighting a candle for ben myself 31st oct - 2nd nov, put it in my window.
love love love one love penny xxxxx

Thursday (27th October) is when pets might come back: Jenny and I will do something for the three dogs we have lost: Kerry, Lizzie and Ziggy; and we will start making the ofrenda at Phoenix Barn with Jacinta.

Friday (28th October) we will light a candle or two for those who don't have anyone making an ofrenda for them; Linda and Jenny (and possibly Shoris) will come and help me and Jacinta finish putting the ofrenda together.
[Andrew and Jacinta meet Tom and Emily off the train at 5 pm]

Saturday (29th October) I will place a glass of water on the ofrenda, for those who 'died in abandonment'.

On Sunday (30th October) we are going to the church service for St Just Feast – I have asked the priest to mention Ben – and afterwards we will go and sing in the pubs as is traditional; Lorraine is going to a service in Paul. It is also the day to put bread on the ofrenda for those who died by accident, so I will put some bread on our ofrenda.

Monday (31st October) we will put fruit on the ofrenda for Ben’s grandparents, and my grandparents.  We may have a Samhain fire at Phoenix Barn in the evening.
[Andrew looking after Emily in the morning, as it is an INSET day at Newlyn School.]

On Tuesday (1st November) I will put some toys on the ofrenda for Ben's step brother Callum who died when just before he was 7.

On Wednesday (2nd November) we hope that Ben will find his way: I will take the portable parts of the ofrenda up to the woodland burial ground in the afternoon – which will be my first visit since the funeral. Anyone who would like to join me there will be very welcome – I will take some some music, alcohol, food and cigarettes etc, along with other things from the ofrenda at Phoenix Barn, to make it comfortable for Ben to visit.

Friday afternoon:

Here are some ofrenda builders:















...and here is the gradual development of the ofrenda:






A neighbour came past this morning (Saturday) on their morning run, and was overcome with emotion on seeing Ben's 'shrine'.  I tried to explain through their tears and mine, and hugs, that it is a happy time...
...then I thought I need to explain to people coming past:

Penny visited...

...left some things and then sent this lovely email, along with an ee cummings poem.

beautiful andrew, how fortunate ben is to have had you as his father, i doubt my father would celebrate me as you are!!

sorry to miss you yesterday, joza sent a beautiful delicate - was it a fern leaf or a feather - couldn't quite tell, i picked some little flowers from my garden for ben and a new white candle for the bright light that he is, jacinta arranged them for us on ben's ofrenda, how so very beautiful it is andrew, looks as bright as him through the window and i'm sure many people will notice it as they walk past, all highly inspiring.

lovely to meet jacinta, ruby was dumbstruck by her beauty and had to comment on her nails!
i'll have a wander around the buriel ground soon, i know a few people there and am due connection, so i'll look out for ben. huge love to you these next few days andrew, as always.
just discovered this poem the other day. xxxx

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
by E E Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                   i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Tuesday Morning...

I saw Tom before he went to work, I took Emily to school, I used Scamp’s new lead given me/us by Emily and Tom for my birthday…
...back in St Just I went into the Co-op to get coffee...
...at the checkout, Livvie Olva was there and told me how sorry she was about Ben, gave me a big hug, and we talked about Malcolm, her Dad, who of course also knew/knows Tom and Ben, but now has developing dementia.

I also went in the newsagents for birthday cards – for two of the Ukrainian children who have their 10th birthdays in November, and for Jacinta on Sunday.

I had thought, maybe I could go into Moomaid and get a coffee, like Ben always used to at this time of day. I saw Sarah was in there: the first time I have seen her in there since Ben was killed...
...so after the newsagents I forced my footsteps into Moomaid. Sarah straight away made contact with me, and I said that I was coming in for a coffee in honour of Ben.

She said ‘with oat milk?’ so I agreed, and she said how he used to stand leaning against the counter along the window, smiling...she said the coffee was on the house, and would I like a hug, so she came round the counter and we had a big hug whilst I cried and she joined in too.

I took Ben’s coffee out with me and his doge was there waiting in the car, so I drove slowly (!!) down the hill to have a cigarette with the coffee in front of Ben’s ofrenda. On the way down, I was talking to Scamp and Ben, and suddenly the car was pelted with hailstones, like Ben was throwing them at the car to say, I’m on my way!

As I got home, Jenny was on the phone checking I was ok – she had tried to catch me as I drove past, running after the car, but I hadn’t even noticed her – too busy talking to Ben.

Now sitting in front of Ben’s ofrenda (and Mum and Dad and Mary’s ofrenda as well, and for Callum later today, and for Ziggy, and Lizzie, and Kerry)...I had a Marlboro whilst I drank Ben’s coffee, and the wind howled around the conservatory, and as I was reading lovely emails from Morelia/Nueva, the wind was rattling the windows, blowing them in and out, Ben out there letting me know he is around, the trees all lashing and battered by the stormy winds.

Jenny had said that she wanted to stop me and tell me about her windows: her front window blew in in the night, and her back door won’t close – someone trying to get in…
...Morelia’s emails were about the Mexican way of remembering, of sharing with family, about times with Ben she remembers, and many other things. Now I have lit the lovely big candle from Jenny – the Sagitarius candle for Ben – and I am on my second Marlboro as I write this, Ben’s doge sitting at my feet...

Today is the Celtic New Year; and tomorrow we will welcome those who can find their way to this ofrenda; and I will go to Ben’s grave to remember him. And looking at me from the wall above the ofrenda is the last of Ben’s paintings he gave me last year: a Mexican (definitely a Mexican now) pouring out a beer...and I have here Ben’s hat and sunglasses left in my porch when he left Phoenix Barn for the last time on Burn’s Night this year.

Yael and Michael's ofrenda

Hi Andrew! Michael and I set the ofrenda to remember our dear Ben.

We will be waiting for him to visit us this 1st of November. Just on time to celebrate Michael's birthday too!

Michael made the drawings. He was very inspired the whole afternoon! That cactus was near the place were we stayed in Coyoacán, Mexico City. Ben loved it! We tried to add some stuff that Ben liked, such as beer, candy, animals, nature, lights, chilli & lime & salt (tajin), colours (papel picado), etc. We will play the music that he liked too.

He will always live in our hearts. Send you hugs. Yael

Morelia's ofrenda

1. An overall view of the ofrenda with the candles light. The quote says "I haven't forgotten about you." It has pictures of both my grandparents, Luis and Francisco, my aunt Alicia, my friend Daniel, Claudio, Alfredo and Ben. I think it looks pretty; magic.

2. The boy's corner. Mostly Ben's but I thought it was rude not to include his friends, so I did it,so hopefully, they all come back the same time. You can see his skateboard there



3. My favorite bit of the poem Penny visited. I do carry him in my heart and in my skin and forever will.

4. This is Ben's spot of the ofrenda. I placed a picture of Claudio and Alfredo next to his, and Claudio's mum asked for a picture of Ben to place in the ofrenda she's making. I've got him Marlboro Cigarettes, some glasses he asked me to put in my purse and he forgot to ask back, drawing stuff, coffee, his sugar skull, and a little circle made of candy that resembles flower crowns and says "Amor de mis amores", which means "the love of all of my loves".

5. A cartoon I found that I thought you might like. It says "In another world, the dead ones also put up ofrendas for the living ones and they pray we are living our life in peace"


6. More pictures of the ofrenda      Love, More

Sophie and Kristan's ofrenda

We too have been feeling Ben and had a whiskey with him last night.


Makeshift, but a familiar painting. Ben's fern and his shorts.
I know he will visit you, but if time moves differently in those realms, I hope he knows he can pop by ours too xxx


Feels good to do something to focus on him, I hope you don't mind

Jess's ofrenda

Hi Andrew, I’ve also been putting something together for Ben over the last few days (which has been a really comforting pastime!)

I’ve included the rune stone Jenny made me that symbolises joy,
Cornish beer,
lots of precious Ben-trinkets
and photos of some of the happiest times to tempt him in.

Sending lots of love to you all down in Cot xxxxx

Jenny's ofrenda

Ben would immediately recognise my version of an ofrenda as it is my permanent altar in my living room with timely additions.

Ben would come down from his ‘office’ upstairs at 9.30am and choose a rune or animal medicine card on his way to Moomaid to buy his ritual coffee!

The sage stick behind his photo is the one he gave on the last winter solstice where we all celebrated together.

Luke's photos

Hi Andrew

Here is a photo. The centre is Ben, and around it I have photos of family and friends as well as locations that have been important to me, during this period of Ben's passing. Happy for this to go onto Benweb.

I do not really subscribe to the more prescribed aspects of esoteric festivals but instead seek to feel it on an experiential level, I like the thought of the 'veil at its thinnest'. I would say Ben is similar (I have made a promise to myself to speak about Ben in the present tense).

Luke x