I am afraid I won't be able to make it as I have some friends visiting that weekend, something I have had planned for quite some time. One of them knew him at university so we will share a story two I am sure of it!.
Last year when you buried Ben I arranged the afternoon off work to go for a walk, take a drink from Buel Well and go over some memories. I spent the morning planning the route. Although I hadn't seen Ben in 7-8 years I had often thoroughly imagined we would meet again!,
That can't happen now, but
I went the route I'd take him. Through the cow field usually abundant with
buttercups, silver weed or parasol mushrooms depending on the time of
year, then passed the horses, beneath the swallows and down where the long
tailed tits had chosen to build their nests. Then a quick visit to the
Common, now a valley of gorse leading toward the natural spring where we
could take a drink. The spring is accessed from a pipe that used to quench
the thirst of the whole town! It runs right by the Mansion House where the
mega rich people live, I imagine we'd have discussed when the house might
have been built, and how super clean it is, I can never tell if it's old
or new! So on the weekend you will gather, I will go out early and take the same walk and think about our time spent.
Our friendship back then was a subtle one, maybe on account of me being Joe's girlfriend. We were always amongst the same crowd at university, the diving school and afterwards in London but only shared a few occasions alone. Some of which I honestly regard as some of my 'holy moments' like when we teased a massive spider at twilight, we were so scared of the blighter, and another when he walked to meet me at 3am and didn't bring any keys, I broke into the house and I think he was quite impressed! Never ever shocked or disgraced by my naughtiness, he was the most punk of anyone I've known! We then went on to visit a derelict gas holder over my side of town, we walked till the sun came up.
I have attached some Media for you to flick through, of the Gas holder, the well and some footage the day of the Diving school meet.
I have to say it was lovely to meet you at the Diving school event, I've spent some time being ashamed of the Karaoke Chaos as I've never done that before! - maybe some of us were hiding behind our performances a little, we were all heavily hit by Luke's reading. I did have a really good time reconnecting with the people who loved him so much. I do hope you had an enjoyable evening and that the Rewake brings you some comfort and a little joy.
Kindest
Bathsheba
[Ed: I wrote back:]
Dear Bathsheba,
I am really very sorry that you won’t be able to join is in person for this reWake – it was also very special to meet you at the Bristol Diving School event for Ben in December.
On the other hand, I am so touched by what you have written
...I had to have several goes at reading your words all the way through: I have used smoking a cigarette (I gave up several years ago) – one of Ben’s favourite Red Marlboros – to help me face some of the experiences of grief that come with reading what people have written about Ben, or looking at pictures or videos they have sent. On this occasion, I have decided to quit again, and am out of Red Marlboro, so I had to make a rollie before I could get past your telling me about the route you would take Ben on when he came to visit you, and still I had to stop again a couple of times…
perhaps if you had been able to come you would not have written, and I would then have missed the very intense experience of reading your letter and looking at the photos and videos, especially the one of Ben under an enormous digger 10 years ago in that gasometer. Somehow, writing down thoughts and feelings can sometimes be more subtle than talking, and can go deeper so that different feelings are brought to the surface.
That feeling of going through something as though Ben were physically there to share it with you is something I have done several times in the last year, including talking aloud to him at the same time. Morelia in Mexico has explicitly said the same thing, and I am sure that Luke and Jess, and the New Year travellors – who performed a Viking burial for Ben near Cape Wrath this first New Year since Ben died – and others who loved Ben have felt the same.
I wonder if you would mind me sharing your words, videos and photos on BenWeb, Bathsheba – they have helped me grieve more deeply on this endless journey, and I am sure they would help others.
Like you, for me it was a very special time at Strange Brew in December – meeting people who love and appreciate Ben was wonderful.
I hope we will meet again at some point – I do see in you the same ‘punk-ness’ that you saw in Ben!
With love and deep gratitude for your letter,
Andrew
xxx
[Ed: Bathsheba replied:]
Dear Andrew,
Thank you for your sweet response, I hope I didn't add too much to your emotions with my words,I only want you to know I'm thinking of you all.
I do agree I find writing can go much deeper and the thoughts flow with little interruption. Whereas when I speak these sorts of things in person, I stumble and freeze then blubber. It was browsing the BenWeb that allowed me to realise you might appreciate the correspondence and I finally pressed send. So please do with it what you will!
On smoking- I gave up 10 or so years ago and have done the same when faced with a significant loss, it somehow relaxes the emotional muscles and has mimicked the person I hold dear, this time I reached for the E-cig which I find easier to put down. I really hope you find the strength to give up again soon.
Lots of love from
Bathsheba
.
¡Que haya luz! Kerenza ha yeghes da! Dad/Grandpa/Andrew x
[Ed: PS, you might like to see that poem in the video...
