As the event has come closer, the prospect of a public event involving Ben has wormed its way into the pit of my stomach, though. It is somewhat akin to my feelings before my first return to my dance classes: how would that first meeting with people since Ben's death work out, especially since there would be several at the same time; this gathering is a different type of event, but some of the worries are the same.
The way I approached the dance class issue was to put together some words, and ask the class directors to send them out to everyone:
It is the first time that I meet people since Ben died that is the most difficult. I have tried to be as open as possible – it is not only me who needs to acknowledge my grief: everybody else who knew Ben will [probably] feel grief too...
What I am trying to do is to face up to those first meetings, and giving both myself, and the other person, time for the feelings to bubble to the surface – including either or both of us shedding tears, having a hug, whatever comes.
I am very conscious about this when it comes to [social events] – I don’t want to [be in a social event] under the pretence that things are the same for me as they were – they are not. What would be nice would be for people to feel they can say whatever they feel, or not as the case may be; and know that I very much want to share and talk about Ben, even if through tears...
It was wonderful the effect this 'preparation' had for me, and for the people I met (sometimes people I knew, sometimes for people I was meeting for the first time) - I know it had that effect, because these words didn't go out before the first class ... and at the second class, everyone was so much more relaxed and confident about talking about Ben, and sometimes about their own experiences of loss. And the experience for me was so different - after the first class, I felt weighted down, literally exhausted; after the second, I felt, for the first time since Ben died, lighter...almost hopeful...
That has helped - just to read through those words again. But tomorrow will also be a very different occasion: an occasion with lots of focus on Ben, but one in which I am an 'interested' observer and not one of the instigators (as at the funeral and wake) or a kind of supplicant (as at the forthcoming inquest).
I wonder how I could contribute, what I would want to share with this community - The Bristol Diving School?
We have, digitally preserved, Ben's Sketch Pad with drawings from Mexico (the drawings on his reMarkable 'digital paper tablet'). There are two notebooks in the folder 'drawings' which I have printed as A5 booklets - '2202_Mexico' and 'mx_mural': I will take these for people to look at tomorrow - although, I don't know how they can be effectively displayed. I have thought of putting them into BenArt on this website, but they were not at the stage of publication - so this raises the question: do we publish Ben's sketches? Would he have wanted us to?
I then thought: I must look at Ben's physical things which are collected together in my garage - something that I think I must have been avoiding...
There are, actually, lots of things, even though they only take up the back corner of the garage - almost certainly including some things which need throwing away...but that is a very difficult thing to do with anything associated with Ben.
And there are a fair number of very personal things to do with his art - especially his writings - which I feel need looking through ... or cataloguing ... or something ...
So I don't think I am ready to share those things yet. Then there are some published books, some paintings - one or two Pan's, and some others - which would be fine to share.
His clothes are another uncertainty for me: I have kept one or two of his shirts in my room, to wear in memory of Ben (I will wear one tomorrow). Again I feel I need to catalogue (photograph) all of his clothes, possibly wash and iron them...
...why? I don't know...I had thought about offering them for people to wear in his memory next year at the reWake...I suppose on the other hand that his clothes are not directly relevant to the BDS gathering...
And then I wonder whether I need to prepare to say something to the gathering tomorrow? Luke has said he will say something, as well as reading out something of Ben's. Perhaps I could read out this, rather rambling essay? And maybe some of Ben's 'Jokes' - there are 6 from the reMarkable (dated 9 January 2022, before he left for Mexico) the last of which reads: 'a drag bhuddist tells me dogs are happy in mexico'.
¡Que haya luz! Kerenza ha yeghes da! Andrew x
